someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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