I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
