I smell stomach acid.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
