Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
