just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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