its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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