I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Randomize
