I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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