I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
