Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Randomize
