I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
