Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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