it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
