I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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