Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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