I think i peed on brittanys purse
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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