she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
