As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
