I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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