i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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