Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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