I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
