We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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