i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
