I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
