Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
