My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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