It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
