if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
