he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
