I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
