Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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