I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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