So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
