i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
