I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
