No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
