I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
