I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
