I wish my penis had an off switch
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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