apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
That accounts for only three of the penises
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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