seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
