Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
