My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
