Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Randomize
