Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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