I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Randomize
