Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Randomize
