I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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