Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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