Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
