so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
