If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
